Why Today?

17 09 2010

Why today?  Where is this coming from?  Little Dude slept soundly and so did I.  I went to bed a little late, but still got 7plus hours.  Did I forget to take my meds?  No!  Damn it… where is this coming from?

Can I make it until nap time? (like I have a choice)  Who can I call just to chat with?  Who will cheer me up without even knowing they are doing it?  Library story time sucks here – okay it doesn’t suck, but it is not nearly as great as it was at our old library.  Dirty diaper – who am I to think I can get away with never carrying diapers, despite having two diaper dependant toddlers?  It’s fine I wanted to leave anyway and there is a diaper in the car.  See, I really am a good mother.  Yep, actually felt it when I said it…. So that’s not the problem.  Where is this coming from?

No one is home.  Should I talk to my sister?  My sister is a world class problem solver.  She should be a personal trainer.  She will kick you into high gear but has NO empathy.  I tell her I am feeling blue, she leads me through a 10-point plan to get my house sold ignoring EVERYTHING about the market my house is in and the state of the economy.  Apparently if it worked for her in Wrigglyville in 2002, it should work in Cow Town, Oregon 2010.  Thanks, Sis, gotta go.  In case you are wondering – I did not mention our house, monetary struggles or anything specific… that was just her take on what would fix my life.  Don’t feel better, don’t feel worse, but at least now I am focused on something… can’t the house just sell?  Please, sell, please.

Um, is he asleep?  Wait he can’t be asleep, I timed this perfectly.  Why is he sleeping?  That’s okay, I will be able to successfully transfer him into bed.  Maybe he was so grumpy because he was tired.  I can do this transfer, no need to panic.

Giant Sigh, he is up.  Transfer failed.  At least PJ goes down easily.  Now I have a “legitimate”reason to be pissed, no Mommy-Time today.  But, I’m not pissed, not yet anyway.  Just feel sooooo tired, just want to sleep.

Maybe I will blog about this.  Blog about this feeling, this feeling that sucks.  Except what is there to say?  You have either had this feeling and KNOW.  Or you have never had this feeling, and can maybe empathize, a little bit.  Or you have never had this feeling and “don’t believe in depression.”  Yes, people who don’t believe in depression – they are the holocaust deniers of the mental health world.  But they are also the blessed because they obviously have never had this feeling.  Maybe one of them will buy my house.

PS  I plan to write a post in the future about PADS, PPD, and my theory about why my hair is falling out in clumps three months post adoption EXACTLY like it did three months postpartum.  But right now  I am going outside to find my family and enjoy this beautiful evening.  Take that you stupid, unexplained, feeling.

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2 responses

17 09 2010
shannoncl

Yup. I get it. I don’t know what it is that gets it started– but I have yet to find an off switch.

Sometimes it’s the constantly touching me when I need personal space. Sometimes/ usually- I’ve pissed myself off by screwing something up, making things harder, “should have known better” attitudes, … uGh

So sorry. The good news is… If you are anything like me. The next day is usually fine and my memory is only as accurate as the last 10 minutes- so there is no real recollection of the craptastic day.

20 09 2010
claudia

oh, I get it. Unfortunately.

Excellent plan on the getting outside. it doesn’t take the feeeling away, but it is usually enough to distract me from it, at least temporarily.

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