I was thinking of starting a blog for about a year before I actually published my first post. Looking back, I don’t know that recording the paper chase and waiting process of our adoption would have been that interesting. I do, however, really wish I recorded the way I felt during the decision making stage; all the relentless uncertainty, the learning, feeling confident, feeling nervous, feeling, feeling, feeling.
Here is one of my blog false starts written just before we took the adoption plunge.
July 2, 2009 (about 27 days before turning in our initial application)
How do you make what is undoubtedly the most difficult decision of your life? If you are religious, you pray. But I am not, except when it comes to take-offs and landings on airplanes, at which time I believe a couple Hail Mary’s are as important as reading the safety card located in the seat pocket in front of me.
Well, let’s try to breakdown the question… To adopt or not to adopt? Is that question actually – “How complicated do I want my life to be?”
I often crave simplicity. I want peace and to feel like I know the answers to the 1,001 questions and dilemmas that cross my path everyday. Becoming a parent means adding 1,000 extra questions in to each day, many of which do not have clear answers. But I already crossed that bridge.
So, does adopting a child add another level of complication? According to the experts (and not just those hanging out in chat rooms on the internet, but those that have actual, real, published books) adoption involves a myriad of complications. Add the additional layer of adopting a child of a different race and you complicate the situation that much more. Why oh why would I, self-proclaimed lover of simplicity, want to do this?
One night, during this phase of trying to decide again, and again, and again if this really was the way to go, I was about to fall asleep when I had a visual epiphany. (Considering I am not normally a “visual” thinker this was very strange for me.) I was laying there trying to decide once-and-for-all if adoption was the right choice for us. And I got a mental picture of SAG and I holding hands and gleefully jumping off a bridge into a river. Awesome, right? After about four seconds of joy I thought, “What about PJ?” My mind changed the vision to SAG and I jumping off the bridge with PJ, who was positioned between us, holding our hands. But it was impossible to keep her safe. This really scared me and SAG had to talk me down for about the millionth time.
On July 29th I submitted our initial application – we finally took the first leap together as a family. And I rationalized, PJ seems to be a bit of a thrill-seeker, so I think she will thank us in the long run.
I am a tad bit mortified by how poorly this obviously unedited post is. However, I find it interesting that one of my earliest “published” posts – actually had a very similar theme. It is here in case you are interested.
I spent tons of time looking online for an image of two people holding hands jumping off a bridge. This image is so crystal clear in my mind, and I swear I have seen it a million times… but apparently never on the internet. Tip: to avoid seeing lots of depressing headlines, never google anything about jumping off of a bridge.