Raw

20 04 2011

That’s my beautiful travel journal.  Purchased at the specialty store (Target) just before I left to go to Ethiopia.

I am trying to transcribe it so that I can post it on my blog starting next week (a year after it actually happened).

At the same time I seem to be experiencing a bit of a traumaversery.

Last year this is what I posted on Facebook

April 20

I think my adoption agency counts on parents being passive and afraid of confrontation… I wonder if they give out awards for their favorite client of the year? Am I in the running?

My relationship with my agency hit a very, very, very rough patch less than a week before I was supposed to leave to get Little Dude.  Keep in mind, at the exact same time I was trying to complete packing of my house so that when I was in Ethiopia, my husband could drive to Missouri, while movers crossed the country with our worldly possessions.

Normally moving across the country takes all of a person’s psychic energy.  Normally getting your home ready to put on the market takes all of a person’s psychic energy.  Normally traveling half-way around the world takes all of a person’s psychic energy.  Normally planning to leave your not-quite-two-year-old for the first time takes all of a person’s psychic energy.  Normally welcoming a new child into a family takes all of a person’s psychic energy. 

I was doing all of it – at the exact same time.  I don’t expect a “Bozo Button” (remember that expression from when we were kids?) or even sympathy.  But it is no surprise that when things started to go wrong (as they always do) – with the travel agents, with the movers, with the car-transport company and with my agency, it was hard to figure out where to concentrate my energy.  Actually, that is completely false, it was NOT hard to figure out where to concentrate my energy.  My son was my focus.  Our move, our Ethiopia travel arrangements, our home prep all suffered because when it came to picking my battles, I picked my agency.

And in the end, I more-or-less won the battle I fought with them.  Of course the move cost extra, our flights were booked on the wrong date, and I had to call on many friends to make sure that all the other things actually happened.

I would trade all of those things again, to ensure I won the fight with my agency.  However, what I really, really wish is that I didn’t have to fight with my agency at all.  It was eye-opening.  It was heart-wrenching.  It was the crack in my belief that choosing a great agency was an adopter’s only responsibility.  In the 12-months since that time, that crack has become a crevasse, running so deep that the bottom can’t be seen.

Transcribing my journal, as poorly written and ridiculous as it is in parts, is a revealing exercise in a million ways.  Noticing what I was noticing then, noticing what I was NOT noticing then.  But most importantly, remembering what those first few days with Little Dude were like.

I haven’t yet figured out exactly how to post the journal’s content.  It feels like it requires foot-notes.  It feels like it requires a trained editor.  It feels like it requires the drinking of more beer than we currently have in our house.

Right now my plan is to post it raw… it will match my current state-of-mind.


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9 responses

21 04 2011
Lauren

Posting raw journal notes is a bold move.
I want to know about your crack, for sure. For us, the clock is ticking, there is only one available agency, and I’m already cracked. In many senses. The experiences and impressions and advice of those who have crossed that crevasse are our only hope for guidance.

21 04 2011
Christine

It is bold to post your journal here, I think. But it’s a reminder to me that I might want to be journaling (not on my blog, a journal would be more real) as I go along through this time. Also, I think sharing your journal will be invaluable to those of us in process. Thanks.

21 04 2011
Jamey

I’m looking forward to hearing it. I think raw is almost always best. It will be good for me to hear about another person’s trip (even if we were together) because I was so focused on my life disintegrating in front of me that I had no idea what was going on with other people.

21 04 2011
Shonda

Yeahhh, I cannot wait! There is no way I would have foresaw us being here one year ago. Likely my situation has helped to widen and deepen that crevasse. I’m thankful there are parents who are willing to navigate the deep dark parts to find the answers our kids need.

21 04 2011
claudia

yeah, I want to read it too!

I just cannot IMAGINE how you managed to even sort-of-almost-nearly hold it together during SO MANY life changes at once. I nearly went insane, and we just had the adoption to think about.

21 04 2011
Meg B

I can’t believe you juggles all of that at once…WOW. That is incredible, I don’t know how I would cope. I LOVE that you are posting your journal, I know I’ll benefit as a PAP. You’re brave too, it’s not always easy to put it all out there.

22 04 2011
Shonda

Proof I am totally egocentric: My first thought was “oh, I wonder if she talks about me” because I’m sure I was your total focus that week 🙂

When are you going to start posting? I can’t wait (even if you don’t talk about me)

23 04 2011
Sara

Have been peeking in over here since you are on the blogrolls of some of my favorite blogger-adoptive-mamas. Two years ago, we also did the whole cross country move, leaving jobs, packing, going to Ethiopia thing all in less than a month.

23 04 2011
Semi-Feral Mama

Sara, AA is not the worst place to end up. I grew up about 45 minutes from there.
Here is the real question – how long did it take to recover from all the change?

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