Just Say The Word – I Can Help

19 01 2012

My friend Captain Murdock is carrying a huge load of adoption junk.  A HUGE load, as in, her husband had to drop everything and fly off to Ethiopia because these are loving, ethical people who made promises to two boys and a man in Ethiopia and when a bureaucratic black hole appeared out of nowhere threatening to destroy lives, they knew they had to act.

Their family was prepared to accept whatever the truth may be, but the need to find out the truth required international flights, a mother unexpectedly having to care for her four children with no back up for a few weeks and, well, I won’t hazard a guess as to how much money.  Not to mention the stress… I can’t imagine.  I really can’t (and I have a good imagination.)

So I thought I would be helpful.  I could hop in my minivan, throw in my children and have an impromptu over-night visit.

My goal: to provide a distraction.

And I am sure I distracted the Captain.

Should you ever be in similar circumstances and want me to help, here are some of the distractions I can provide:

I can arrive two hours later than promised making all hope of you going to the grocery store, the single thing you asked me to help with, go out the window.

I will also promise to make you dinner then show up empty-handed.

I will allow you to provide food for both my children and me (even after you have said the cupboards are bare.)

If you are the praying type, I can make sure my children talk loudly to me, while yours try to talk respectfully to God.

When your children go to bed, mine will start to play musical bedrooms.

I will move any pets that you keep in cages to the middle of the hallway – where my children will have to commune with them, loudly and often.

When I can not get my kids to go to bed, I will give up and ask you to help.

When they still won’t go to bed, I will let them run around your entire house until 11 pm, ensuring you do not get any adult interaction – just in case that is what you were craving.

In fact, my kids and I will ensure you can not concentrate on talking to your husband on the phone should he happen to call from Ethiopia.

Also, the alone time that is the only thing keeping you sane?, we will distract you from it with generalized shenanigans such as gymnastics on your furniture, and a need to repeatedly check on your pet who is trying to sleep right outside the room where your kids are also trying to sleep.

I will get out of bed in the morning wearing the same outfit I arrived in 16 hours before (minus my bra of course.)

I will remain in that outfit until Noon – leaving you to wonder – isn’t that what she was wearing yesterday?

I can provide short-term babysitting, but only for half of your children, because we all know that is as many as I can handle.

My kids might climb on your furniture.

My kids could get out every toy your kids own.

One of my kids could pee on the floor.

I could demand you bring me a soda that meets my high-maintenance needs and then forget to even offer to pay for it.

I might even consider mocking you if you have any habits that I am A. jealous of and B. that you might be taking to an extreme (in my humble opinion) (I really should have taken a picture of her ORGANIZED pantry.  I am a little surprised her children aren’t all uniformly sized and labled).

My kids will use your sink – repeatedly.

My daughter might decide to create the lunch menu and expect you to serve it to everyone.

After lunch, my kids will stick a hand-towel in your sink and turn on the water ensuring you will be distracted later by cleaning and laundry.

After I have been at your house for approximately 20 hours and you have fed my family three complete meals, I will decide to leave.

But not until you give me amazing parting gifts….  preferably from Ethiopia.

Keep in mind, these services are provided free of charge assuming you live within a reasonable driving distance (or someplace beautiful that I have always wanted to visit.)  Also, I have to like you.  I mean, I wouldn’t just do this for anyone.

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13 responses

19 01 2012
Captain Murdock

Friend, you have me rolling over here. You:

A) Did give me a morning alone at the grocery store, which was THE single most relaxing hour of the last 10 days.

B) Yes, i did manage to whip up a gourmet meal of PB&J for our kids. Clearly, I’m nothing short of amazing.

C) You were the perfect distraction and, although I think we might have only got to finish 2 complete discussions, we started at least 152 great ones.

D) You drove a total of 5 hours to come provide me with a distraction (cus you’re awesome like that). Had you offered to pay me for the $1.00 Diet Coke from McDonalds, I might have had to slap you. Or call you a B in the parking lot 😉

Clearly you’ve had more time to compile your list, and I guess it is your blog, so I’ll stop here. Other than to say, THANK you for being such a great friend. I was driving home from work today, I had two toddlers screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and I just started cracking up, thinking of the gas station story 🙂

20 01 2012
Semi-Feral Mama

I forgot all about the spitting. That is another great distraction – my kids can spit on both your walls and your carpet.

19 01 2012
Tesi

I just love you both so much. that’s all

20 01 2012
leigh

Wow. After reading this post I’m not sure if I am jealous you live so far from me or if I am relieved. I might have to read it again. Veeeeeery carefully.

😉

26 01 2012
Claudia

It’s a close call, right Leigh? Pretty sure I still come out as jealous in the end though!

20 01 2012
Sandy

You are so very entertaining. I DO wish you lived closer. My life would be so much more…….hmmmmm, can’t think of the right word just now.
xo

20 01 2012
Shiloh

Oh my gosh, I am cracking up!!! I left you to the distracting for (What I thought would be longer than 20 hours) and you you succeeded in a wonderful fashion!! That’s so awesome.

When I took Beef Enchiladas over the to the captain on Monday night, she informed me that SFM was coming. I think she wanted to say, SFM is coming so LEAVE ME ALONE!! Haha, I was relieved, it hard hard work to worry about your friends incessantly, and if you were coming to provide all those services, I knew I wasn’t alone in my incessant, obsessive and crazed worrying.

22 01 2012
Cazadora

Buna b’gobena! Looks like fun.

22 01 2012
tamara b

Oh my goodness! Oh how I did laugh. Out loud. A lot. That’s hilarious! All of it.

Just curious, do I live close enough???

22 01 2012
Semi-Feral Mama

If the situation was bad enough, I would be there.

22 01 2012
motherparadox

You’re hilarious. It’s beautiful where I live. I don’t mind your kind of um, er, help. We could go “help” Leigh then because she doesn’t live far away from me.

22 01 2012
Semi-Feral Mama

Would you give me a puppy as a parting gift? or a chicken? I don’t want no damn rooster.

27 01 2012
Scooping it up

i love this kind of help. i really do. you can come to my house anytime. 😉

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