Wordless Wednesday

Sunday Snapshot

SAG using my latest garage sale find to drain the tofu.

 

Bragging Again

This week I discovered a used book store that I had never been to before.

I found ALL of these books on a single shelf.

In case you are feeling a bit too jealous – this week I also got poison ivy all over my forearms and one knee.

I can’t seem to stop itching to start reading.

Wordless Wednesday

Thirteen U.S. Dollars

One Month - 30 Days of Food

A 3-yr-old in Shanto - the area where your donation WILL GO. (photo by A. Powell AP)

Feed Hope – FOVC

http://www.fovc.org/feed-hope-relief.html

On a MUCH Lighter Note – Sort Of – BABY SHOWER

Do you know that I have never hosted a shower in my life.  Not a bridal shower, not a baby shower and not a shower for a FIVER-YEAR-OLD.  (I have taken showers, but not nearly as often as I should in the last couple of years.)

Today I am hosting a virtual shower for an adoptive mother who, quite frankly, doesn’t need anything.  Okay, well she probably needs to change the name of her blog because the title “God Will Add” tempted the big guy and she is unexpectedly adopting the older sibling of her youngest son.  But I have already talked to her about that.  It is a very interesting story and to read more you can go back through her blog entries.

All in all she is more than 9 months into the wait trying to get back to Ethiopia so she can reunite the boys.  She finally got a court date – it is November.  Instead of mourning all this lost time, it is time to do something positive.

This shower is all about supporting people in Southern Ethiopia, specifically people who are starting to feel the effects of the drought.

So please, come to my shower.  I won’t make you wear a clothespin in an effort not to say the word baby.  I won’t make you dress up anyone in toilet paper or look at melted candybars in diapers.  But you could win some cool prizes, and oh yeah, help some people in the process.

http://www.godwilladd.com/2011/08/shower-time.html

Perspective – Mine, and Probably Mine, Alone

In adoption circles, it is frequently said and widely accepted: adoption causes trauma.  Every single time I read that it strikes me as incorrect.  And I was wondering why I see this so differently from many of the people that I respect.  I think I finally figured it out.

My adoption perspective is shaped by my background in animal welfare.  The process of sheltering animals has three distinct steps.  There is relinquishment – when a lost animal arrives, or more commonly, when a family intentionally brings an animal to a shelter hoping the agency will find it a new home.  There is care taking- when an animal lives at the shelter hopefully receiving adequate food, water, exercise, attention and medical care.  There is adoption – when a match is made and the animal goes to its new, hopefully forever, home.

In human adoption we tend to refer to this entire process as “adoption.”  Still, my head always breaks it down into those three components.  The trauma in human adoption comes from relinquishment, possibly what happened before relinquishment, unfortunately sometimes what happens in the care setting, and rarely from the actual process of adoption.  That is not to say that joining a new family is easy and without its own form of trauma, but comparatively, and usually, the joining of the new family is the start of something good.  While it doesn’t erase the previous traumas, it does provide a path to a potentially great life.

I am treading on eggshells here.  I am being oh-so-careful not to say “a better life.”  A “better life” would be a giant assumption on my part and is not at all what I necessarily belief.  A better life makes the assumption that you know what the child’s alternative life would be.  Did you assume the child would be in a care center? on the streets? with his/her family of origin? dead?  The fact is we will never know for any specific child what the exact alternative would have been.  We do know many kids live on the streets, starve to death, spend their whole lives in care centers or wind up suffering in a family that is not equipped to care for them.  We also know that many women who did not think they could care for their children, find a way to get by, providing their children with everything they need and more. Furthermore, I do not want to make ANY assumptions about the circumstances leading up to the relinquishment.  In fact, I often feel at odds with other Ethiopian adoptive families over this issue.  I feel that as a community we over-simplify the causes of relinquishment.  Yes, poverty.  POVERTY.  Extreme, life-threatening poverty.  But not exclusively, and not always.

I am not looking to let adoptive parents off-the-hook.  When you enter into a complex paradigm that results in completely altering at least one human being’s life without his/her consent, you must be educated, conscientious and extremely aware of what your actions intentionally, or even unintentionally, contribute to.  Too many adoptive parents go into adoption with only their own needs guiding them, thereby opening the doors wide for unethical practices.

However, I contend, with a thousand caveats, that it is not the “adoption” part of adoption that causes trauma.  There are kids that need homes.  Millions less kids would need homes if we harnessed the political will and resources to correct the extreme imbalances in our world.  And I have seen many adoptive parents working towards that goal.  Still, there are kids that need homes.  The needing of the home is the tragedy.  The tragedy creates the trauma.

The finding of a home is actually a cause for celebration.  It doesn’t make you a hero.  The adopted child does not owe you gratitude.  Remembering the important fact that he/she did not ask to be in this situation in the first place and had no control over any part of it, the child deserves understanding (but not pity).  But a family coming together to move forward into the future as a team – that is a wonderful thing.

Fellow adoptive parents – fully conscious, sensitive, aware, concerned, adoptive parents – it is okay to celebrate your adoption.

(And if you are asking yourself – who is she to give that permission? – I humbly respond, absolutely no-one, just a woman with an opinion and a blog.  You also might want to hate me for daring to compare human adoption to animal adoption.)

Sunday Snapshot

A Year of Giving Randomly

In the past our charitable giving was usually driven by which non-profit animal shelter I was currently working for – go figure.  I gave monthly through automatic withdrawal programs.  It was all very organized and could be planned for in our budget. (Ha, ha, ha – yeah, our budget, that thing we write down on paper every couple years and usually promptly forget.)

In addition to those monthly gifts to animal organizations which I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt were doing good work, we sometimes gave to those young, optimistic, do-gooders going door-to-door, pitching an organization and trying to change the world.  Specific causes ranged from the  environment to equal rights. In general, however, I turned down way more requests for donations than I honored.

So many not-for-profits are run poorly.  So many split-hairs when they give you their statistics.  I don’t think they usually lie, but they have professional staff who spend 100% of their time making sure you want to give to them and 0% of their time ensuring the donations actually provide a service to someone, somewhere.

On the other hand, I am no longer intimately involved with any particular not-for-profit.  Not  spending 60 hours a week working for a specific not-for-profit agency allows me to be more balanced.  My circle of friends grew and my personal interests blossomed.  Now that I am less myopic, I want our giving to reflect our lives. But I still have two toddlers.  I do not have the time to research the many amazing groups that are doing amazing work.  More importantly, I don’t have the knowledge to recognize the charities that under perform. Keeping that in mind, I had decided to use the judgement of my friends as the single biggest factor in choosing what causes I will support.  If a friend asks me to give that would be reason enough to make a gift.

But before my plan got underway, it was tested.  Right now many of my friends are part of an amazing effort to raise money for the famine effected areas in Africa.  Unfortunately, they are raising money for an organization I distrust.    My theory of how I was going to implement my “randomness” has been challenged.  After thinking it through some more, I decided to stick with my original idea.  In almost all cases my gifts will be small.  My experiment is about being one of many, allowing social media to influence my giving along with traditional fundraising activities.  Despite the imperfections of my plan,  my 44th year of life will also be my Year Of Giving Randomly.

Like Danny Wallace in his memoir “Yes Man”, I am going to just say yes.  I hope to make a charitable gift every time I am asked by a “friend.”  I will not give to any cause that directly conflicts with my values.  And, in fact, if I am asked to give to a cause that I find immoral, I will probably make a small gift to a charity that is working on the other side of that specific issue.  Other than that caveat, I plan to give (even if I am slightly unsure about the charity, as long as I believe in the cause.)

And I plan to buy.  I will be buying t-shirts and headbands and any other schlock that your favorite charity is selling which I can convince myself we need.  Additionally, I hope to purchase any and all gifts I give this year in a similar manner. (I hope my family likes t-shirts with pictures of Africa on them.)

And I plan to run (really, really slowly).  I am going to try to enter at least one running event every month starting in September.  If I can work the timing out, many of those runs should be supporting a charity.

I hope by saying yes, even if my gift is small, it will give the asker confidence to approach another potential donor (maybe even one who has some real wealth to share).

I hope that my small gifts will inspire me to learn more about a particular organization, a particular problem, a particular solution.

Look out Girl Scouts, High School Band Members and Salvation Army Bell Ringers, I am headed your way.  I will be easy to spot wearing a charity t-shirt, a different not-for-profit baseball cap, carrying an umbrella supporting one cause and a book-bag supporting another.

Toddler Trick Thursday

This was HIS idea.  Or maybe their idea (meaning the bird and Little Dude.)

He is NOT allowed to touch the cage.  Although I don’t think he found a way to open it and climb in without “touching” it.

But I had to take a couple pictures before giving him a time-out.

You would have, too.

And to all Children and Family Serv1ce Professionals – look – I opened the door, he refused to come out.  I repeat, this was HIS idea.

What You Can’t See On The Internet

I did it.

A week ago last Sunday I had my first blog-friend date.

My kids were tired and hungry, but Meg and Sam were gracious anyway.

I managed to get together with Meg and Sam from Vicarious Cuteness.  We tried to make this happen last winter but illness prevented it.

I have a whole bunch of things I planned to talk to Meg about.  She has been in the Ethiopian adoptive community longer than I, and I know she has some wisdom I wanted to get my hands on.  Not to mention she seems to have some wonderful, vegetarian, low-fat recipes I want to hear more about.  But, alas, those topics never came up because I could not stop talking about her hair.

Fuzzy picture, but I am trying to let you all see why I was so distracted.

Seriously, the woman has inexplicably, perfect hair.  Both my sister (the yuppie republican who disagrees with me about everything) and I just kept gushing to Meg about her hair.  Of course my sister was not around when I was doing my gushing or she might not have done her own gushing.  But really, it was a nasty, muggy, mid-western morning.  The woman even did some jumping on a trampoline.  And when all was said and done, her hair was perfect.

I will say, walking around with Sam, who also sports some spectacular hair, probably puts pressure on Meg.  But, damn, she has some seriously nice hair.  (She is also funny and full of joy.)  If you have the opportunity to get together with her, do it.  But if you plan to take pictures, you may want to visit your stylist first.

Little Dude trying to teach Sam how to be naughty at an Ethiopian restaurant.